The Costumes Your Douchiest Friends Will Be Wearing This Halloween

25 Oct
worst halloween costumes

Some people just can't seem to get out of their own way. Who would we make fun of without them?

Take this as a warning, prognostication or admonishment–these are the off-the-mark outfits you will swiftly grow to hate on the upcoming weekend of candy and costumed bacchanalia:

1. The Wall Street Occupier. The only thing more irritating than the protesters themselves just might be people ironically referencing them.

Let me be the first to go on record hoping that your night ends one of the two ways it will for your kindred spirits in Zuccotti Park: either sealed in a pup tent saturated with the stench of your own waste or zip-tied in the back of a paddy wagon heading for the precinct and a holding cell full of actual criminals who I’m pretty sure won’t like you.

2. An Angry Bird. I’ve already heard the murmurs around the office on this one.  I don’t understand what this game is or why so many people have invested irreplaceable hours of their earthly existence on it, so I can’t even begin to grasp why anyone desires to dress up inspired by this time wasting nonsense.

But they do.

3. Qaddafi. It’s sad, but someone at the party will be commemorating the bloody finale of the Libyan revolution and memorializing his own toolishness with a tasteless, graphic recapitulation of any one of the flip phone videos we’ve all seen by now.

How many drinks until life imitates art and things start to go horribly awry for you?  Mercifully few I hope.

4. Limitless. I’m not quite sure how you even attempt to pull this off, but I have a sneaking suspicion someone will go there.

bradley cooper limitless

Let's just name "social awareness" as one of the no-doubt numerous ways in which you are, in fact, decidedly limited and leave it at that...

Let’s be clear, if you even try to enter public space unironically dressed up as Bradley Cooper’s character in Limitless, so help me God, you had better find a way to incorporate running shoes into that costume because I am coming after you, you sad, sad little muppet.

5. Anything Generically Harry Potter Inspired. Come on.

Daniel Radcliffe is like 22, you’re, I don’t know, probably older than that, and they’ve pumped out seemingly like 15 of these damn movies by now… seriously time to MOVE THE F ON.

That is all for now. Happy Halloween.

3 Responses to “The Costumes Your Douchiest Friends Will Be Wearing This Halloween”

  1. woodnote1 October 25, 2011 at 7:19 pm #

    Haha, this is so true, now when I go out I’ll be thinking of the post and be like “Hey this dude on the web thinks you’re a douche!”

  2. Swiss October 27, 2011 at 2:40 pm #

    And how could I miss this: STEVE JOBS. New York area department stores have been sold out of black mock turtlenecks and clear-framed glasses for weeks now as the nerdy and unoriginal masses prepare… Hat tip to DfromB on that one.

  3. Kimberly Swiss October 30, 2011 at 11:20 am #

    Your Steve Jobs costume description eerily reminded me of ‘bad idea jeans’ SNL sprockets remix.

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