1. The Self-Portrait. If your profile pic is a shot you took of yourself in the mirror, time to reevaluate your lifestyle.
You seriously couldn’t round up a single friend / family member / kind stranger on the street to take a picture of you?
What’s worse, we all know that this is likely just one in a series of dozens of shots you’ve taken of yourself in bathroom mirrors, store windows or whatever other suitably reflective surfaces you happen to cross paths with in the hollow and lonely story that is your day-to-day existence.
Which brings me to…
2. Depressing Personal Status Updates. Status updates have become a total minefield for the socially inept.
I’m truly very sorry that your life sucks right now, “everything’s going wrong,” “when it rains it pours,” or whatever other generic depressing nonsense you care to broadcast out into the soulless vacuum of the world wide web today.
But the reality is: there are plenty of things already out there to bum us out on a daily basis. We’re fighting (at least) two wars, people are sleeping on the streets in the wealthiest country in the world and for some reason this dude is a star of the most watched series in MTV history and a recording artist that presumably someone somewhere is actually listening to.
So thanks anyway, but we don’t want to hear about how the precious apple cart that is your entitled lifestyle has momentarily been upturned.
Man up or shut up.
3. Public Broadcast, Private Matters. Really, some things are better kept to yourself and the other directly relevant individuals.
Let’s be clear: a status update or wall post is just not an appropriate place to disseminate news on family issues, break-ups or medical matters.
Your facebook friend circle is not your surrogate therapist, physician or shoulder to cry on.
If you’ve got some shit to deal with, 1) stop being pathetic 2) talk to a real human being about it.
4. No, I Am Not Interested in Becoming a Zombie / Farmer / Vampire
or Whatever the Latest Innane Game You’ve Signed Up for Requires. Look, I know Zynga is worth $500 billion or wherever their crazy valuation is coming out based on making these ridiculous games.
But, if you are a fully grown adult, have nothing better to do with your time and feel the urge to partake in one of these at least keep it out of my Newsfeed.
5. The Relentless Stream of Photos of You Wasted. Hey, it’s cool and all that you and your friends booze together – it is not cool that you post a never ending visual recapitulation of each stage of you becoming aggressively bombed.
Also, hope you enjoyed your weekend because you’re fired – clean out your desk.
Just trying to help.