The Product that Proves the World is Ending in 2012 (and that We Deserve It)

4 Jan

Yep, time to fold up the table, folks--we're pretty much done here...

I know it’s all you’ve heard around the water cooler for the past three days, but I was recently made aware of something so horrifying it’s causing me to engage everyone’s (grossly misinterpreted) piece of cultural sophistication du jour.

I’m not sure this is exactly what the Mayans envisaged as precipitating the end of the great cycle–and it’s not really congruent with any of the symbolic four horsemen either–, but the recent meteoric rise of the “one piece, lie around, lounge around, full body lazy wear” known as the Forever Lazy has to at least signal the end of humanity’s meaningful contribution to the planet if not full-on Armageddon itself. Continue reading

The Costumes Your Douchiest Friends Will Be Wearing This Halloween

25 Oct
worst halloween costumes

Some people just can't seem to get out of their own way. Who would we make fun of without them?

Take this as a warning, prognostication or admonishment–these are the off-the-mark outfits you will swiftly grow to hate on the upcoming weekend of candy and costumed bacchanalia:

1. The Wall Street Occupier. The only thing more irritating than the protesters themselves just might be people ironically referencing them.

Let me be the first to go on record hoping that your night ends one of the two ways it will for your kindred spirits in Zuccotti Park: either sealed in a pup tent saturated with the stench of your own waste or zip-tied in the back of a paddy wagon heading for the precinct and a holding cell full of actual criminals who I’m pretty sure won’t like you. Continue reading

Obnoxiously Colored Huge Headphones Permit the Douchy / Clueless Chance to Explore New Depths of Tastelessness

19 Sep
dre beats headphones

As this taste-maker has found, Dre Beats headphones are a quick and dirty way to self-identify as the hopeless fad-follower you are.

Yes, now suddenly everyone on the subway has been transformed into an off-duty hip hop producer / professional DJ thanks to the emergence of those massive, Justin Bieber-endorsed Dre ‘Beats’ headphones, which are seemingly everywhere overnight.

Supposedly they’re actually decent quality headphones, but that’s not really my point. Continue reading

Why I’m Considering De-Friending You on Facebook

17 Jul
lame camera phone pic

Nope. Not one single friend.

1.  The Self-Portrait.  If your profile pic is a shot you took of yourself in the mirror, time to reevaluate your lifestyle.

Good Lord.

You seriously couldn’t round up a single friend / family member / kind stranger on the street to take a picture of you?

What’s worse, we all know that this is likely just one in a series of dozens of shots you’ve taken of yourself in bathroom mirrors, store windows or whatever other suitably reflective surfaces you happen to cross paths with in the hollow and lonely story that is your day-to-day existence.

Which brings me to…

2. Depressing Personal Status Updates. Status updates have become a total minefield for the socially inept.

I’m truly very sorry that your life sucks right now, “everything’s going wrong,” “when it rains it pours,” or whatever other generic depressing nonsense you care to broadcast out into the soulless vacuum of the world wide web today.

But the reality is: there are plenty of things already out there to bum us out on a daily basis.  We’re fighting (at least) two wars, people are sleeping on the streets in the wealthiest country in the world and for some reason this dude is a star of the most watched series in MTV history and a recording artist that presumably someone somewhere is actually listening to.

So thanks anyway, but we don’t want to hear about how the precious apple cart that is your entitled lifestyle has momentarily been upturned.

Man up or shut up. Continue reading

How Your Attempt to Emulate the ‘Most Interesting Man in the World’ Will Fall Flat

30 May
most interesting man in the world

Just stop... and be glad you're not actually an over-the-hill character actor chasing bit TV commercial parts

Best served up in list form:

- Your shitty two-bedroom apartment in a “luxury” high-rise in Murray Hill with shared roof access makes for sad follow-through on “penthouse party” promises

- In conversation with recently formed acquaintances you frequently reference but cannot substantiate a vague interest in Buddhism and eastern philosophy

- You muster broken, unsolicited high-school level French for the wait staff at 6 AM in a local all-night cafe

- You try vainly to capitalize on the time your girlfriend talked you into suffering through a bikram yoga session (you represented the only Y chromosomes in attendance)

- Your guided tour into the Alaskan “wilderness” of the Anchorage suburbs to fly fish in a man-made pond does not, in fact, qualify as “Hemingway-esque” Continue reading

How to Carry an Umbrella and Avoid Being Hated at the Same Time

22 May

The New York monsoon season of the past week has gotten me thinking about the issue of people who have no appreciation for umbrella etiquette.

Now, being 6’2″, I’m a bit more susceptible to this than the average person, but I think all of us in the normal, socially aware segment of the population can agree…

…If you’re walking with an umbrella down a crowded street, I need you to hit me with a tip or a lift when I pass:

umbrella etiquette

I would do the same for you...

And while I’m on it, Continue reading

Yes, We Can All Hear the Music Blaring Through Your iPhone Headphones

18 May
american psycho

Try to not look like a psycho when using headphones in public... that's really all I'm asking.

On a plane, on the subway, walking down the street – there’s always one….

… One clueless person listening to embarrassingly lame music on their iPhone / iPad / Zune (?) / whatever, completely oblivious to the fact that everyone around them can hear it.

9 times out of 10 it’s an angst ridden teen replete with wire rim glasses, combat boots and Apple paraphernalia - and this “music” is in fact the torturous, torturous sound of reggaeton drum and bass bleeding through those little white headphones into the greater communal space.

Honestly, how do these people not get what jack asses they look like? Continue reading


Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

%d bloggers like this: